hey, all you freaks who don't even read this! I just want you all to know that I'm fine. I'll start posting stories again soon.

 I'm sooooo bored right now. I just had to delete the cookies on my mom's laptop cause I totally went all 'temporary insanity' and looked up 'gay' and 'lesbian' on Google and Dogpile. God I'm just begging my mom to find out. Whatever. 
Y'know, even though my whole family's Catholic and openly homophobic, I don't think they'd like crucify me or anything. At worst best, they'd just all never talk to me again. At best worst, they'd all try to talk to me and "understand". Meh. 
On a different note, I've been up to the eyeballs brimming with poems lately. Too bad I never took the time to write any down and now I can't remember any. I'm getting fat. Damn. I looked fine during the winter and now I look like a whale! It's fricking bikini season in like three weeks and my thighs practically touch when I walk! Oh, well. It's not like I'll be wearing a swimsuit any time soon. I've got too many scars and too much cellulose to be showing like any skin. Maybe I'll stop eating again.  It worked during winter time. I lost twelve pounds. And I wasn't anorexic! I knew what I was doing and how far I could push my body. I've had disorders before. I never want to do that again. 
So, I've been getting to better know Timmy, you know, but I feel slightly sick now. We were watching a movie on the Great Depression in S.S. Somehow, Timmy & I started talking about our childhoods. I told him something I've never told anyone before. I now get scared every time I think about it. 
In science we were debating the differences between a cut and a scratch. Timmy took the metal part of a pencil and proceeded to demonstrate the exact difference. It's all my fault. I want to die. Please, just let me go. If anything is better than this, take me there. I need to find a place where I can just breathe.

*sigh*

I'm still depressed from...yesterday, I think it was. Yeah. 
But now it's more cause I just went on a Lauren Utter binge. I totally just saved like four pictures of her that I found online today. Then I went and edited them somewhere. But, yeah. I'm still so pissed that they eliminated her. I CRIED, for God's sake! Actually cried! I didn't even cry when they got rid of Kim Stolz in cycle 5. I damn near let the tears flow, but I never did. 
I mostly now just want to curl up in a ball and die. Either that or I'll look her up and go visit her and hug her and buy like eight million dollars of her artwork. I love her comic book style. She is seriously a perfect example of what I want to be when I grow up. A cool punk rock artist living in New York City. I also admire her because she's got this whole unapologetic "I'm me, and if you don't like it, screw you!" thing going on. I honestly hope that  I someday will have the confidence in myself to give off that vibe. 
She represents a whole group of unseen girls, my age (14), her age (23), and everyone in between. We all kind of stand in the background at school (or are taunted often.) We don't have that natural sort of spotlight shining down from the heavens or whatever it is those other girls have. We don't have people looking at us and thinking "She's pretty/special/talented." And maybe we act as if we don't care. Maybe we ignore it. Maybe we treat them the same way they treated us, with contempt, laughing at everything they do, right or wrong. But, as much as we deny it, all of us self-proclaimed rebels, all of us freaks, wierdos, nerds, and just plain ignored girls feel something painful in our hearts every time someone cuts us down or insults us, even by just paying more attention to what the more stereotypical, 'family friendly' girl says. Because, in our heart of hearts, we are truly all the same. We all feel that yearning need to be accepted, to be daddy's little princess. We all want to find our Prince(or Princess) Charming, who tells us we are the most beautiful thing, inside and out that he/she has ever met. 
Lauren was the girl who symbolized that we could have that, that people still love us for us. I know that every time she cursed or tripped or made a smart ass comment to someone, I smiled and loved her all the more for it. I did wonder why she was herself, or rather, what caused her to act in such a way that was endearing to me, but that my mother hated and thought was awful(let me just say that I felt pangs in my chest for Lauren whenever my mom would say hurtful things about her.) I'm not saying that she had an easy life and I'm not saying that she had a terrible life to shape her personality like this. She just showed that you can still be yourself, however wierd and unconventional that may be, and be loved by millions of people. The fact that she got eliminated or that very reason makes me sick. I would definately rather have to leave  for being myself than get to stay for being considered fake. I think she should be proud for leaving because she couldn't 'hide her true attitude'(as my dear, beloved mother said) rather than having a weak picture or something stupid like that.
And that, my friends, is why I won't be watching America's Next Top Model for the rest of this season (except maybe if there's a reunion!) 

And, might I say, I feel existentially better than I did before I wrote this. 
And, yeah, I do realize that the whole show is rigged or something, but I kind of fell in love with Lauren. Don't make fun of me. 
Rachel

Meh. So, I haven't updated in, like, forever. But I gots stuff to say! 


Some of it's emo, but why not?

 I'm pretty upset right now. 
Jesus. Upset doesn't begin to cover it.

 The gist: you post a list of ten things you really would like this holiday season. It can be anything-- material goods, more LJ time, icons, fic, cards. Whatever, big or small. And all of your friends post similar lists. You go through those lists and pick a few wishes to grant, either anonymously or with your name attached.

The point is that you're granting wishes and making people feel all fuzzy-like and maybe getting some fun stuff, too. If some of the things on your list are material, be sure to attach contact info, as well.




1. A dedication in a fic. I don't care what kind, who it is, or if I'm even familiar with the fandom. If you dedicate something to me(besides the fact that I beta'd for you) I will love you forever.

2. An inspirational quote. I'm a sucker for feel-good quotes telling about the rise and/or imminent fall of humanity.

3. A list of your favourie songs. Any length, any genre, I'd like to know.

4.A couple Mike Dirnt/Billie Joe Armstrong icons. Also any Pete Wentz ones would be loved.

5. A picture of something that has a special meaning to you.

6. A poem, written just for me.

7. To know your favorite movie, and why.

8. To know your favorite colour, and why.

9. A stuffed animal. I don't care if it's old or new, a mammal or reptile, whatever. I love them all way too much.

10. A "Cheer Up Emo Kid" pin. I love them sooo much. I want one very badly.